First let me start this post thanking those who took the time to read my last personal post and giving me encouragement and advice. It really means a lot that you would go out of your way to read a stranger's personal thoughts and have sympathy. It really does amaze me sometimes how good people really can be.
But I am back again with my crazy head filled with thoughts that prevents me from sleeping peacefully and once again I am here to blog to calm myself down. This time though, it isn't because of the dark/being home by myself.
So, what is making my head go crazy and making my stomach turn tonight?
Good question... I don't really know myself I just feel kind of lonely with lots of things running through my head.
I guess to start off my train of thought is that I should be thankful for what I have. I should be positive and optimistic. I should not complain about things I can fix and wish to be like others. I should be happy with who I am, what I am and how I chose to live my life.
Only if it was that simple.
Honestly, I can say that I definitely am happier than when I was going through middle school and high school. I went through a lot of crap. If you guys dig up my old tumblr, you can see how immature and depressed I was. Like, looking through the posts I was ashamed of what my own thoughts made me write on the interwebs (hopefully I'm don't get a deja vous going back and reading these personal posts on my blogger )
I can also say that I am very honest with myself (at least I try to be) and with others which overall makes me a happier person.
I don't even know where I'm going with this trying to talk all positive and stuff... I'm just lonely. And this isn't like "I don't have anyone to hug me and tell me it is okay" lonely but like a deep-down-in-your-heart-and-gut-feeling-that-you-are-one-person-with-thoughts-you-don't-even-understand-to-open-up-to-people lonely.
Do you guys know what I mean? I feel it in my stomach that feels like a deep cavern where all you hear is the echos of the wind and my heart feels like the endless sea that has no ships that would be willing to explore the vast ocean. That was my attempt to being poetic... Let's just say I'm not much of a writer
Am I missing my family? My dogs maybe? What am I missing? What is that puzzle piece I am missing at this moment.
Better question, what truly makes me happy?
Maybe, like any other girls in a relationship, want their man to be a mind reader sometimes. Be that super hero that knows what you are going through and shows up with chocolates and flowers whenever you don't feel all that good without you having to ask for it.
I wish for too many things in one person and I know this. Then I have too many doubts on that person because I know I expect way too much.
Really, as vain and spoiled as this sounds, I want to be treated like a mother effing princess.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT ANYMORE
My thoughts are seriously all over the place. One topic to another. One feeling to another.
The main point is that I'm really lonely and I honestly can't seem to figure out why. You would think that after writing all this stuff that I would have an epiphany by now but nope.
I want to go back to bed and lay next to my boyfriend and sleep peacefully like I normally would but the bed feels too big and I feel like he isn't really there.
I think I'm going to kill some time on tumblr and see if I can get myself to get tired enough to just make my head stop thinking so much.